Dear Facebook, Stop Acting Like My Crazy Ex-Boyfriend | Pen and Parent
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Dear Facebook, Stop Acting Like My Crazy Ex-Boyfriend

By Melissa Uhles

Facebook, why are you so needy, asking me weird questions? Stop acting like my crazy ex-boyfriend. You already have enough of my data.


Here is an example of a weird question you asked me recently: Is this hate speech? Later I learned that this was a glitch, I guess. I’m not sure how posts about cute cats and books can be interpreted as hate speech.

How do you feel about Facebook, do you think it’s a good place? I’m paraphrasing this one but when I’m scrolling my feed and trying to use you for business and social connections and you keep asking me questions, I feel like a mom with a five-year-old. What’s with all the questions?

We’re already committed. But now this stalker behavior is making me wanna spend more time with my IRL (in real life) friends.

Luckily, I have stayed in touch with them over the years via telephone and email and going to their houses for birthday parties. Because we know your demographic is now the over forty crowd and we had to meet people the old fashioned way, once upon a time.

I know you don’t ever want us to break up. And if you must know, I did love you once. But things have turned sour and I’m not sure if I see a future for us.

Has Facebook been driving you crazy lately? Between the algorithm changes and data breach, Facebook has been acting like a crazy ex-boyfriend. Click to read or save to read later. #Facebook #crazyex

Let’s address the elephant in the room, shall we? The data breach was a bummer, I’m glad I didn’t ever take those stupid quizzes you kept tempting me with. Do I really need to know what my porn star name would be if I used the name of the street I grew up on? I don’t think so.

Regardless, I still have a pit in my stomach when I think about all the things I told you in confidence that you’ve probably shared. But I used you too. I tried to pay you to sell books for me and I used you so that I could justify not accomplishing things.

You remind me of the dude I dated before you, Craigslist. Killers found victims through him but I found killer jobs and friends as a result of him. The point is, everybody’s got a little good and bad in them. I get that.

But you are gonna have to try harder to keep me.

Maybe we need a trial separation. I want to see how life feels without you. But then I know I’ll miss you and all your friends because your friends are my friends and we know they’ll pick sides and I might never hear from some of those people again.

Sometimes my eyes have wandered. I’ve flirted with Twitter and Pinterest. They are not the same but they have some nice qualities.

To be fair, I know none of these social media dudes are good at keeping secrets. And I feel like I’ve gotta be with one of them in order to ensure that my writing business continues to grow. Or is there another way? I don’t know for sure.

I will tell you this, if I leave you, I won’t say: it’s me, not you. Because it’s you. If things don’t work out with us, it will be your fault because I did uphold my side of the relationship. I can’t say the same for you.

Dry your tears, Facebook. Don’t freak out yet, because I’m still trying to figure out where we go from here.

Let’s face it, like the quote from Brokeback Mountain, I may find that “I wish I knew how to quit you.”

Only time will tell what our future holds.

What’s your relationship with Facebook like? Tell us in the comments.

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